Wrestling with Your Shadow
The Subtle Archetypal Power
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Everyone’s psyche casts a shadow.
Your shadow is related to your ego but remains separate. Whereas your ego exists in the conscious realm, Your shadow exists in the unconscious.
We all have qualities about ourselves that we don’t like and wish weren’t there. The shadow is where we bury them. Those qualities often result from a sense of lack.
Think about what it’s like to watch another do something you can’t. You recognize they are “better” than you, which draws out a longing for “more” in your own life. Wouldn’t it be nice to be more like them?
So much of the stuff we don’t like about ourselves can be traced back to our childhood. Did we get enough love? Did we feel safe? Did we learn self-confidence? Sometimes, we have trauma in our childhoods that stick with us. All of these kinds of experiences feed into your shadow. They help make up who you are in an unconscious way.
If you want to get a quick peek at your shadow, just ask yourself the following questions:
Who do I admire and want to be more like?
What would I like to do with my life, but realize I don’t have it in me to make it happen?
When I fantasize about my future getting better, what do I see stopping me from attaining it?
Notice the gap between you and the possibility. It would be great to get from here to there as a person, but then you feel like you’re just “not enough”.
This sense of somehow being "not enough" is a social construct. You're always comparing yourself to the proverbial Joneses and believing that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Ultimately (and this is something I want you to remember), the goal of your shadow is to keep you safe. It wants to make sure you have everything you need to thrive. So, it constantly compares what "is" with what "should be".
You have a shadow, I have a shadow, even the Joneses have their shadows. There's nothing wrong with having a shadow because that's part of what it means to be human.
The problem of the shadow
The problem arises when our relationship with our shadow is one of rejection and denial. When you deny the existence of your shadow, you tend to project all of those undesirable qualities in yourself onto others.
For example, if you find yourself railing against those who are self-centered and self-absorbed while the world is in need of help, it may be because deep down you know you yourself are self-absorbed and don’t like it. Rather than accepting this self-absorption as part of who you are, you deny its existence, push it deep into your shadow, and project that loathsome quality onto others so you can point at it and hate it without self-condemnation.
Or, maybe that loathing for “those self-absorbed people” is the result of feeling unloved and ignored when you were young. Maybe you secretly still feel that way today, with these feelings being based on your current preconceptions of what it means to be “loved” and “included”.
Regardless, when you deny your shadow's existence, you fuel unhealthy manifestations that tend to darken (and sometimes destroy) your relationship with yourself, others, and the world in which you live.
Healing the shadow
In the same way that your goal is not to get rid of your ego, healing your shadow side is not about getting rid of it either. Rather, your goal is to bring healing through integration.
It's as if your shadow is sitting over in a corner and saying,
“Do you see me?”
“Can you see me?”
“Will you please see me?"
If you want a healthy psyche, you need to learn to love your shadow.
Remember, your shadow isn’t the enemy. It's not an evil spirit. It is not the sinful part of you.
It's an important part of you.
The best way I know of to heal your relationship with your shadow is through shadow work. Shadow work can take a variety of different forms, but ultimately it helps you to…
become aware of your shadow
accept your shadow
love your shadow
and integrate your shadow into who you are.
Once you have integrated your shadow, you are able to tap into its wisdom, which is a great gift for your becoming.
Integrating the shadow’s wisdom
I've already said this, but your shadow wants to keep you safe. It is not your enemy. It's just trying to protect you.
Once you recognize this, you can listen to your shadow and tap into its deep wisdom for your life.
Years ago I used to be the kind of person who felt like he needed to help everybody. If someone needed me to help them move, I was there. If someone was injured, I was there. If someone needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. It was exhausting.
Here’s how I saw the problem: I had to be there for everybody because nobody else was! I couldn't believe it. I became so angry at people who were so self-absorbed they couldn’t find time to help those around them. (Confession time: Yes, you guessed it. That was me I was referring to earlier in this article who would privately rail against the “self-absorbed people”.)
Hopefully, you can see what's going on here.
Since then, I have discovered something about myself. I discovered that (brace yourself)…
I too am one of those people who are self-absorbed enough to not help others. The truth was that I wanted to pretend I wasn't, so I buried that part of myself deep in my shadow. Then I projected that nasty trait onto other people whom I could treat like scapegoats. This allowed me to claim innocence. After all, I wasn't like "those people".
Once I looked into my shadow, however, I finally uncovered this story I had been telling myself for years and recognized it for what it was: a self-deceiving lie. This “self-absorption” was indeed a part of who I was. Once I accepted that, I learned to appreciate it, love it, and integrate it.
It was through integrating my shadow that I learned that it was okay to be selfish at times, especially when it came to establishing boundaries. Yes, it was a wonderful thing to help others, but it was also important for me to live my life.
Listening to the wisdom of my shadow taught me how to become a healthier human being.
I highly recommend considering shadow work if you haven't done so already. It can help you to become more fully who you were meant to be as a human being.
(Note: I’ve recently discovered that shadow work can actually cause people problems if they do not have a strong enough ego to process increased awareness of their shadow. I am not a psychologist and want to emphasize that some people need to do their shadow work with a licensed professional. Those professionals are much more knowledgeable than me, and I defer to their expertise.)
Finding balance
The ego wants to know, “Who am I?” Your shadow can help answer that.
When you lovingly integrate your shadow, you begin to see yourself and how you are related to your world very differently. You see that…
You are a magnificent human being, just like all the other magnificent human beings who surround you.
You are a Child of God, a beautiful soul in full union and communion with the Divine.
You are enough.
Your psyche naturally longs to bring the ego and the shadow into balance. Theologically speaking, your psyche seeks reconciliation.
I believe Christians are called to become agents of reconciliation in this world. As you learn to become an agent of reconciliation within yourself, you are also learning how to become an agent of reconciliation in the world around you. After all, all of the human beings surrounding you are just like you.
Your ego and shadow are both extremely important parts of you and deserve to be loved by you. When you bring unity to your inner reality through love, the whole becomes far more than just the sum of its parts.
Peace, Bo
www.evolvingchristianfaith.net
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Throughout next month, I will tackle the series, “Spiritual Adulting: Becoming Responsible and Going Deep”.
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