Your Character is Your Credibility: The Secret to Leading Those Exiting Churchianity
A New Kind of Clergy for a New Kind of Christianity, Part 6
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Lords and commoners.
Back in the 1600s, these two classes separated English society. The lords were the ruling class. The commoners were the ruled. Birthright definitely had its privileges. And these privileges weren't just accepted in normal everyday situations, but also in military campaigns.
It was obvious back then that the lords should lead the troops. After all, they had the best resumes that life could offer: pedigree and title. They were born to lead. They carried with them a noble character. Meanwhile, commoners (ruffians, one and all) made the best soldiers. Deferring to their betters in society was their a lot in life, because it’s how they worked best. So, the hierarchy on the battlefield mimicked the hierarchy in society.
Until…
A radical new idea emerged.
What if those in charge of military forces had to prove their worth? What if they had to demonstrate that they were strategically minded? What if rising through the ranks was based only on merit?
It sounds crazy, right?
Okay, maybe it doesn't sound crazy to us because we are used to the idea of merit being the basis of advancement (in theory anyway). But back then it was a new idea in military history. And, the reason it stuck around since then is because it worked, and it worked very well.
A new kind of military leadership was emerging for a new age.
Time Warp to today
Around the turn of the millennium (when I was very into studying leadership as a field), there was a question on the table: Were leaders born or made?
Let me rephrase the issue…
To what extent do genetics, family of origin, and grooming at an early age determine whether one can become an effective leader?
Or, let’s try rephrasing again…
Does everyone, no matter who they are or where they’ve come from, have the capacity to become an effective leader?
While I believe that genetics and background can give people an edge, ultimately everyone can become a leader in their own way. Of course, the journey will be harder for those without the edge. But it doesn’t mean they can’t achieve a significant amount of influence.
And, that’ what it all comes down to with leaders: Influence.
Right person, right time, right skills, lots of influence
“Leadership is influence. Nothing more, nothing less.”
—John Maxwell
Leaders have the ability to move hearts and minds. When they speak, their followers listen.
Leaders arise because they give expression to the hopes and dreams of people. Leaders can identify their pain points and their fears. Leaders offer a roadmap to get the people to where they want to be.
Look at Donald Trump, for example. He has arisen as a powerful leader in America. Why? He knows who his audience is and he knows exactly how to say what they want to hear.
Notice the demographics that most strongly support him: racists, misogynists, and neo-nazis. These are people who feel like they have been shamed and silenced for years by liberals who have promoted—and enforced by the rule of law—the cause of equality and inclusion.
Bottom line: They are angry, very angry. And, they hunger for the power to rise up and dominate their enemies as they feel they have been dominated in recent years.
Because Trump knew what they wanted, he could speak to that. And (according to his claim), if that's what they wanted, he alone could make that happen for them. All they needed to do was vote for him. And, they did.
This is a great example of the right person being in the right place at the right time. He created the perfect storm to power his ascension.
At the end of the day, his success comes down to a leader in a specific context with the right message, and here’s why…
“Like attracts like”
Make no mistake about it, people supported (and still support) Donald Trump because of who he is, because of his character. They support him because they find themselves reflected in him. He represents who they aspire to be.
Meanwhile, you have other great leaders, such as Barack Obama. Again, right time with the right message. People wanted change. How much more change could you get in America than electing a black man to the highest office in the land?
People voted for him because he represented the rise of a reality that reflected their hopes, dreams, and aspirations for the nation. It was who they wanted to become.
Same thing, different candidate.
While both men have proven to be powerful leaders in America, it's safe to say that they do not draw on the same pool of followers.
People follow leaders who embody their vision of possibility for themselves. The followers of Trump and Obama have two very different visions of possibility.
In other words, people look for leaders who can take them through the next steps on their journey of personal becoming. That’s why leaders have to be a lot like their audience.
Postmodern culture is experiencing a meaning crisis.
Why have we lost sight of Meaning?
Is there any hope of getting it back?
Better yet, is the loss of Meaning really a bad thing?
If you long for a theological path forward, Drinking from an Empty Glass: Living Out of a Meaningless Spirituality is the book you’re looking for.
The importance of character for a Digital Ecclesiastic
As you know by now, when I think of a Digital Ecclesiastic, I think of a specific kind of clergy trained to work with a specific audience. This audience is known as the “Church Alumni”. This includes those who have checked out of—or graduated from—church, if not Christianity altogether.
When we think about the principle of “like attracts like” in relation to this new kind of clergy, we quickly realize that this new leadership will need to cultivate a certain quality of personal character.
Character is the perceived quality of a person. We're talking about their principles, values, morals, and behaviors. When we think about leadership for postmoderns, we have to recognize the extent to which the medium is the message. It is the character of the leader that is the most attractive aspect to the audience. In many respects, the leader incarnates the message through their character and thereby becomes the message itself.
How to develop character
When I think of character, I think broadly of two key components: how one relates to oneself, and how one relates to others.
That means if you want to develop your character, the strongest leverage points will be your emotional intelligence and your social intelligence. Some people will have more work to do than others, but I assure you everyone could use a bit more work (myself included).
And, this is where intentionality comes in. I’ve said in the past that intentionality is a key to spiritual growth. Well, it’s no less true here. If you want to lead, it’s important to intentionally do the work necessary to shape your character for the task at hand.
Let’s look at what emotional and social intelligences are and what you can do to strengthen yours.
Emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the measure of how in touch someone is with their inner life. The more in touch someone is with their emotions, the better able they are to listen to others, make quality decisions, and develop the resilience necessary to lead.
Emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness. Too often we go through life ignoring our emotions. A huge mistake. As human beings, emotions are the primary force behind decision-making and behavior.
As we become more sensitive to our emotions and how they affect us, our capacity to empathize with others strengthens. It makes it harder for us to write people off or condemn them. After all, empathy connects us to a vital part of their humanity.
Because emotionally intelligent people are self-aware, they’re better able to manage their emotions. They're better able to interact with situations rather than react to them. As a result, they are better listeners and more discerning.
Emotionally intelligent people are also less likely to burn out. Because of their self-awareness, they are able to cope with emotional stress and establish strategies to maintain emotional balance.
How to develop emotional intelligence
Strengthening your emotional intelligence begins with identifying what exactly you want to improve. Then, pick a practice that targets that goal.
Strengthen self-awareness
Consider stream-of-consciousness journaling. Set aside about 10 minutes daily to start writing whatever comes to mind. Once you start writing, do not let your pen stop until the time is up. This will help you notice the thoughts in your head that have been hiding behind all the noise.
Another option might be shadow work. This exercise helps you become aware of how all those things you don't like about yourself have been hidden in your subconscious and continue to affect your thoughts and behaviors. It's really about becoming aware of the undesirable parts of yourself, learning to accept them, love them, and integrate them into who you are becoming.
Strengthen empathy
Unleashing your curiosity is the key here. When conversing with others, try to listen past their words and notice the emotions that they are feeling. When they go on a rant, notice the anger. Recall the times in your own life when you were similarly angry. Allow yourself to connect with them through that emotion.
If you're not talking with someone, practice with a journaling exercise. Consider a conversation you had recently. How do you think your conversation partner felt? Why do you think they felt that way? What might be some ways you could respond to their emotions rather than their behaviors?
Strengthen self-regulation
Practice stepping back. Notice when you are starting to get emotionally triggered, then do something that helps you step out of the emotion. Practice pausing and reconsidering before you speak. Ask clarifying questions to give yourself time before you speak while you learn more about where they’re coming from. Work with your breathing.
My favorite practice for this is centering prayer. Through this exercise, you learn how to let go of your own thoughts and emotions so you can be attentive to the other.
Social intelligence
Your social intelligence is the measure of your ability to manage relationships. These could be one-on-one relationships or group dynamics.
Social awareness
This is the ability to read others and respond appropriately.
People who are socially intelligent listen to the language that others use, and they reflect it back to them. They listen past the words in order to hear the values and beliefs expressed through those words. Then they work with those values and beliefs rather than the words themselves. They listen for emotions and speak to those emotions rather than trying to speak to reason.
Adaptability
All communication is contextual. Those who are socially intelligent know that it may not be appropriate to talk at a church meeting in the same way you talk in a bar. How you talk with your best friend might not be the same way you talk around other friends.
There's a chameleon-like quality here. It's the ability to speak to and through a situation in a way that is appropriate and builds resonance.
Conflict management
A strong social intelligence allows people to recognize the humanity of the other even in the midst of conflict. They are able to step outside of themselves and into the shoes of another to more fully understand the dynamic of what is happening around them.
How to develop social intelligence
Just like with emotional intelligence, you can strengthen your social intelligence to become a stronger leader.
Practice active listening
When in a conversation, strictly assume the role of listener. Your agenda is not to give advice, answer questions, or even offer your perspective.
When it is time to speak, focus on ways to connect with your conversation partner that encourage them to continue expressing themselves. You might use reflective listening or summarize what they've just said to affirm them. You might ask how situations make them feel or what they think about things. Regardless of how you do it, it's all about listening and connecting.
Learn to read body language
Become a student of nonverbal communication. Read a book or watch some YouTube videos. Become more sensitive to how people communicate with their bodies.
Learn how to use your own body to help people feel safer around you. Engage in posturing that affirms others while they speak, such as mirroring.
Offer other-oriented affirmations
Practice affirming others in everyday contexts. Listen to what they are saying or watch what they are doing. When it is time, slip in a meaningful and targeted compliment. Notice how it affects them.
Make this an intentional part of your day. Maybe even decide that you will offer a certain number of other-oriented affirmations each day, perhaps two or three. Making it an intentional practice will keep you sensitive to listening to where people may need affirmation to build up their sense of self-worth.
Speak the truth in love
There are times we need to say difficult things in difficult situations. Prepare for those. Practice using “I messages”. Learn how to talk about how you feel about things in a way that also respects the feelings of the other. Consider the perspective of the other and how they might receive certain information. Prepare others for difficult feedback.
Establish and maintain boundaries
Boundaries are about maintaining trust and relationships. Have boundaries regarding topics of conversations. Don’t talk about what others have told you in confidence. If others offer you similar information, decline to hear it. Being a safe person to talk with requires an ability to respect others’ privacy by establishing boundaries on your own behavior.
When others begin to treat you aggressively, establish boundaries for their behavior. Learn how to gently communicate that their behavior is unacceptable to you and they aren’t allowed to treat you that way. Know when it’s best to walk away from a conversation. Boundaries are a way that you show respect for yourself.
The character of it all
When people talk about character they typically talk about different traits, such as likability, trustworthiness, integrity, reliability, and resilience.
Notice, however, that all of these traits ultimately derive from emotional and social intelligences. So as long as you continue to work intentionally on both of these, you are going to be building the quality of character needed to become a Digital Ecclesiastic.
I also believe that it is extremely important to become strong in both. When the equation becomes lopsided, problems can arise.
Imagine what it would be like to have a leader who has a strong social intelligence but weak emotional intelligence. This formula creates leaders who manipulate and use others for personal gain. After all, emotional intelligence begets empathy, and empathy keeps us from objectifying others as a means to an end. Here, emotional intelligence is what prevents the leader from becoming abusive.
Meanwhile, someone who is strong in emotional intelligence can be weak in social intelligence. Imagine someone who is incredibly shy and doesn't like interacting with others. They may be deeply in touch with themselves, but they are incredibly uncomfortable with interpersonal dynamics. Here, a higher social intelligence would prevent ineffectiveness.
Again, character is contextual
I want to emphasize “like attracts like”. That means that the quality of character that the leader needs depends on the audience. Leaders are able to lead because they embody that to which the audience aspires.
Since character is really about the entirety of who one is, this entire series up to this point has ultimately been about a form of character development.
Think about what I’ve been doing over the last few weeks…
I started talking about how important it was to understand the Church Alumni and what makes them tick.
I talked about how important it is that Digital Ecclesiastics become not just scholars of the tradition but also scholars of the new paradigm. They need to understand the worldview their audience operates from.
I talked about how the Church Alumni have developed spiritually. This analysis offered an understanding of how the Christian church has failed them and why it can no longer serve them.
I talked about how the spiritual development of a Digital Ecclesiastic has to resonate with the spiritual development of the Church Alumni.
I then went on to talk about the characteristics of leadership that would be expected by those in the Church Alumni.
At the end of the day, all of that is about developing the emotional and spiritual intelligences of a Digital Ecclesiastic so they can lead within the postmodern paradigm, and more specifically lead the Church Alumni spiritually.
I’ve spent a lot of time on this topic of formation for a Digital Ecclesiastic. Some of it may seem familiar (at least somewhat). Some of it might seem jarring. Some of it may even seem like I expect too much.
Yet, we’re still not done. We have another major component to tackle.
Assuming that we have someone ready to go as a Digital Ecclesiastic, we still have a major problem when it comes to putting them in the field.
Churches are still in decline and won’t have the ability to hire them in the not so distant future.
So…
How is a Digital Ecclesiastic going to get paid for their expertise and service?
That’s the question for next week. I invite you to join me.
Peace, Bo
www.evolvingchristianfaith.net
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PPS: If you haven’t read the entire series up to this point, I recommend starting with the kickoff article, “The Death of Traditional Clergy and the Birth of Something New”
PPPS: If you want to know more about the theological context for the Digital Ecclesiastic, check out my series “A Call for a New Reformation”, which begins with “Dear Christianity, Change or Die”.
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Credits
Thanks to DALL-E for the cover art