Let's Look at Your Self-Loathing

"What's Wrong with You?", Part 2

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It was a beautiful day out. The bright sun hung in the sky to warm the path before my dogs and me. 

Our coveted morning walk. 

The boys look forward to this every single day. Once the winter snow is behind us and spring has truly sprung, so do I. 

The day I’m thinking about was earlier this year. The weather finally allowed for shorts. On top of that, spring is my favorite time of year, the time in which all of the surroundings start to turn this beautiful vibrant green, my favorite color. 

As we meandered down the sidewalk we got to the edge of the park. At this point, we had a choice. We could…

1. follow the sidewalk along the park, or

2. walk into the park and go to the ball diamond. 

As we reached the crossroads, I started to go right down the sidewalk, but the boys both turned left to go downhill toward the park. They knew that if we went that way, they would get to run across the outfield with me chasing behind them. 

Think about it. If you were my dog, what would you rather do? 

I, however, had other plans. I said, “Come on guys. Let's go this way.”

They stood still and looked at me with grins spread across their faces. They clearly wanted to go to the ball diamond pretty badly. They beamed with hope.

I gave them a couple of moments and then insisted that we go the way I wanted to go. I even said (as if I were reasoning with them), “Come on, I’ve got to get back to work.”

Then, I stopped myself.

I thought, “Why?”

Why did I say that? I didn't really have anything pressing when we got home. There was literally no good reason to get back sooner rather than later.

I suddenly realized what was going on…

I wanted control.

This need for control was expressing itself through my behavior. It was dampening not only my dogs' enjoyment of life in the moment, but also mine. Remember, I love taking my dogs on walks on beautiful days. 

So why in the world would I want to stop doing something we all enjoy on this particular day? 

On the surface, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But the more we learn about our shadows, the more it does.

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What is “the shadow”?

You have within you thoughts, feelings, and desires you do not like and cannot accept as a part of yourself. They are parts of you that you absolutely hate. They are the source of your self-loathing, and you want to get rid of them.

How do you do this? How do you get rid of them? 

You banish them. You bury them deep, deep down in your subconscious so you can ignore their existence. It's like sweeping the dirt under the rug. The dirt is still there, but it's hidden. 

This subconscious accumulation is called your “shadow”. I often refer to it as your “shadow self” because that language evokes a relational quality. Your conscious self (your ego) is in relationship with your shadow self. Unfortunately, this relationship is generally one of rejection. As the ego ignores the shadow, this ignorance causes problems.

Remember, your shadow is made up of that which you despise. Your ego wants to distance itself from everything therein. Your ego wants to assert strongly that you are “not-that”.

To establish that distance, you tend to project your shadow onto others. This way, when you judge and condemn others for those qualities, you show that you are indeed “not-that” to yourself and others.