Before You Can Truly Love Others, You Have to Heal
The End of Religion and the Birth of Universal Love, Part 2
This article will remain unlocked for free until 9:00 pm (CST) next Friday night. So, if you want to read it for free, you can do so for a limited time.
This endeavor is an important part of my income. So if you find value in what I offer, please consider becoming a paid member to the newsletter & live online community. However, if you genuinely can’t afford a subscription, just hit the reply button and let me know. I will give you a free 3-month paid subscription, no questions asked.
Enjoy 20% off Annual Subscriptions through April 11th!
I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
—John 13: 34–35
In the late 90s, Evangelical churches in my area started promoting a new identity. This identity seemed designed to connect with those holding negative attitudes toward institutionalized religion. Here’s how they began describing their Evangelicalism…
“It's not a religion. It's a relationship.”
They were on to something. Those who disliked organized religion disliked it for good reason. And, if Christianity was to be attractive and not repulsive to outsiders, it needed to rebrand. So, kudos for that.
But ultimately, they dropped the ball. For them, that relationship was a “me and Jesus relationship. It was an individualistic way of relating to God through Jesus. Jesus was the sacrifice that took away all their sins. Jesus was the one who reconciled them to God when they backslid. As I noted last week, this concern about being reconciled to God through sacrifice is the primary concern of ancient religion.
In other words, their entire understanding of what it meant for Christianity to be a “relationship” completely missed the point. Christianity was actually meant to end that kind of religion once and for all and replace it with a universal philosophy of love.
On the one hand, they were correct in saying that it is through our relationship with Jesus that we enter into relationship with God. On the other hand, however, the point they missed was that Jesus symbolized “the human face of God” (which is the title of a book by J.A.T. Robinson).
So, yes, the quality of our relationship with “Jesus” reflects the quality of our relationship with God. But the “Jesus” we’re supposed to be in quality relationship with is actually all of humanity in the here and now.
And, here's the thing: entering into a quality relationship with the humanity around us begins with and reflects the quality of relationship we have with ourselves.
Let's not put the cart before the horse
You shall also love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.
—Deuteronomy 10:19
It's common for progressive Christians to emphasize the importance of social justice. We love God through neighbor, and that especially includes a concern for those who are marginalized.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with concern for the marginalized and social justice. In fact, it's vital for the spiritual health and well-being of Christian community. But, I think it's a mistake to make that our primary concern.
Before we can truly have a concern for the marginalized, we must first develop a sense of empathy (or, if you prefer more precise language, “sympathy”). The reason we advocate for the marginalized is not because it is our duty. That would be to turn the concern into another purity code on our spiritual to-do list that we check off once done. Rather, the reason we advocate for the marginalized is because we identify with them. We identify with their humanity so we know what it's like to be marginalized, and we don't wish that upon anyone.
This is what the text of Deuteronomy is calling the Jewish community to embrace. The message goes something like this…
Remember what it was like to be a slave in Egypt? You didn't like it very much, did you? That's why you don't do that to others. Whatever you do, do not forget where you came from, because if you do, you are likely to forget that lesson and go astray.
In other words, helping people tap into that sense of empathy—their ability to identify with others that comes from within—is key to facilitating spiritual growth.
Peace begins with reconciliation within yourself
But now, apart from the law, the righteousness of God has been disclosed and is attested by the Law and the Prophets, the righteousness of God through the faith of Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.
—Romans 3:21–25
In the ancient world, we humans had a problem. That problem was sin. Our sin separated us from God. The solution to the problem was to reconcile to God through religious sacrifice.
As I pointed out last week, the earliest Christians saw Christ's once-and-for-all sacrifice as completely negating the religious sacrificial system. The earliest Christians saw love of neighbor (a Universal Love extended to all people) as the new way to love God.
To facilitate a sense of universal identification, Paul talks about how we are all sinners. What he's doing is relaying this idea that we all share a common humanity. And it is through that common, fallen humanity that we are able to “get” where others are coming from.
Our fallenness is a spiritual sickness that we are born with. There is no escaping it. The sin of the first Adam is just part of the human condition.
For Paul, that means we all need deep spiritual healing. The spiritual medicine for that deep spiritual healing is God's grace that comes to us through Jesus Christ. To experience God’s grace is to experience this deep inner healing. And, this experience of deep inner healing is the catalyst for wider communal healing.
So, personal inner healing—coming to terms with one's own humanity—is the key to reconciling humanity itself (or “re-membering” a dismembered humanity) back into one body.
Hence, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. This language is designed to evoke a sense of empathy. After all, it’s hard to dehumanize someone when you identify with them. It’s hard to ignore their struggles and their need for grace when you know what it’s like to struggle and need grace yourself.
It is this experience of inner healing—the healing of sin, the reconciliation within oneself—that empowers someone to love others.
The scholarly discipline of human healing
There is a balm in Gilead
To make the wounded whole
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the sin-sick soul
—Song: “Balm in Giliad”
When Paul talked about the human condition, he used the best language and framework for understanding it that was available to him at the time: the mythological language of “sin”. Today, the best language and framework we have to understand the human condition is that of science, primarily as it comes to us through the field of psychology.
In fact, clinical psychology is all about leveraging an understanding of the human condition in order to help people to heal psychologically (which I believe includes spiritual healing). There are many different approaches to psychology. And when it comes to understanding the spiritual health and well-being of humanity, I personally find a Jungian understanding to be incredibly helpful.
Postmodern culture is experiencing a meaning crisis.
Why have we lost sight of Meaning?
Is there any hope of getting it back?
Better yet, is the loss of Meaning really a bad thing?
If you long for a path forward, my theology book Drinking from an Empty Glass: Living Out of a Meaningless Spirituality is the book you’re looking for.
The blessing and curse of being human: We are all wired to survive
Scientific evolution asserts that if a species doesn’t adapt to changing circumstances it will go extinct over time. That means, nature has to prioritize survival over everything else.
One of the ways human beings survive is by gathering in tribes. After all, the more of us we have on the same page, the safer we are. It's not just about defense, but also about productivity. As the saying from the series Lost goes, “If we can’t live together, we’re going to die alone.”
So, the tribe becomes the safety net for the individual. The more integrated one is within the tribe, the more valuable that person becomes to the tribe, which means the safer one is within the tribe. Conversely, the less integrated one is, the more expendable they become, which increases potential danger.
So, part of being wired to survive as a human being is being wired to remain safe socially.
Psychological shadowplay
Keeping in mind that we are all wired to survive, let's dive into some Jungian psychology. In this framework, our psyches are split into a conscious and unconscious self. This split leads to inner struggle.
Our conscious self is the “ego”. Our ego is our sense of identity. It is who we are and who we are not (consciously speaking of course).
Meanwhile, we all have parts of ourselves we don't like very much. In fact, if people were to discover those parts, they might not like what they see. This means those parts could disrupt our relationships, and thus decrease our sense of social safety.
In order to hide these undesirable parts (not just from others, but also from ourselves), we bury them deep in our unconscious. These “undesirables” make up our shadow. Or, as I prefer to call it, our “shadow self”.
It's important to note that the shadow self is not the same thing as a sinful nature. Please don’t confuse the two. In fact, when thinking in terms of psychology, it's best to let go of the ancient mythological language of “sin”. The language of “sin” is not only unhelpful, but also counterproductive as you try to fit it into the new, updated, scientific framework.
It’s vital to recognize that the things you’ve buried in your shadow aren’t just hidden from others, but also from yourself. It's like putting something in the back of a closet so you can forget about it. Out of sight, out of mind.
The problem is that the shadow—which resides in our unconscious—has incredible influence over the way we perceive our reality and interact with it. It causes us to react to situations and behave in certain ways that are often unhealthy and unhelpful.
For our purposes today, it makes sense to view yourself as divided into two distinct selves: your conscious ego and your unconscious shadow. The shadow exists because the ego has cast it out in order to stay safe. Meanwhile, the shadow operates in the background exerting its quiet influence over our lives in its own attempt to keep us safe.
Cursing through projection
Remember, the shadow is in our unconscious. It has been hidden there because we want to distance ourselves from those undesirable parts of ourselves. That's the goal: create distance.
This is where the phenomenon of “projection" comes in. The undesirable qualities hidden in our shadow often get projected onto others so we can condemn them, thus creating public distance.
For example, if we unconsciously perceive ourselves as being lazy, we may start to notice the laziness in others much more than normal. Then, we speak out against it.
This is a form of scapegoating. By openly despising the undesirable trait in others, we can give the impression that it is not a trait that is in ourselves. After all, it wouldn't make sense for me to condemn others for being lazy if I’m lazy. Right?
Rejection of humanity
Ultimately, what is happening here is the rejection of humanity. It begins with a rejection of part of our own humanity. Then, we then cast that undesirable trait out onto others through projection. This leads to us rejecting others upon whom we’ve projected our undesirable trait, which is actually a rejection of their humanity.
What is really important here to recognize is this…
The extent to which we reject the humanity of others is a reflection of the extent to which we reject our own humanity.
That means that before we can truly reconcile ourselves with the humanity of others, we must first reconcile with our own humanity. And this all begins with an experience of deep inner healing.
This is precisely why I believe that work towards social justice and social reconciliation should not be considered primary spiritual endeavors.
If we put the cart before the horse, our attempts to herald Divine Justice in society—which is always about reconciliation and not vengeance—will inevitably and unwittingly operate out of our shadow selves. The inevitable result will be to scapegoat the other, which is ultimately foundational to the unjust situation we’re trying to fix in the first place.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” Instead, “if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink, for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
—Romans 12:17–21
Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t scapegoat the scapegoaters. Instead, operate out of a sense of compassion, a sense empathy, a sense of identification with the other.
Before we can seek to bring healing to others, we must first experience healing within ourselves. This deep inner healing is foundational to social justice work…if that social justice work is to be faithful.
A solution: shadow work
When working with the shadow, the healing process is called “shadow work”. Shadow work has a series of phases.
1. Awakening to your shadow: Before you can work with your shadow, you need to discover it. You need to start noticing how it affects your behaviors and how you project it onto others.
2. Facing your shadow: This is where you take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror. You start to recognize the ways you unconsciously manipulate others. You see the envy and anger that motivate your achievements. This stage is extremely uncomfortable. We want to look at ourselves as the hero. Now, it’s time to see the extent to which we have also been the villain…even when we may have been at our very best.
3. Understanding your shadow’s origin: It’s time to explore your shadow. Why is it there in the first place? Often, you can trace the “why” all the way back to those formative experiences you had as a child. What parts of you were labeled “undesirable” and why?
4. Befriending your shadow: Once you understand your shadow, you can learn to appreciate the ways it is really just trying to keep you safe. As you come to appreciate your shadow more, you fear it less.
5. Integrating your shadow: This is the stage of inner reconciliation. You want to move the qualities of yourself that you have cast out into your unconscious shadow into your conscious identity. As you integrate your shadow more fully into your life, you are reconciling with the marginalized part of yourself.
Remember, your shadow is only trying to keep you safe. It’s actually full of wisdom regarding how to do that. As you learn to love and appreciate your shadow, you discover the ability to draw on that deep wisdom throughout your daily life.
I want to emphasize how different shadow work is compared to working with mythological sin. The goal of working with sin is to get rid of it, to cast it out. It's about uncovering what's ultimately wrong with you and removing it from your life.
As you can imagine, this entire approach based on mythology is inherently problematic. In fact, it actually causes psychological problems. As such, it actively harms us as human beings.
This is where shadow work is radically different. Remember, the goal of shadow work is the opposite of working with sin. Shadow work helps you to love and accept those parts of yourself you do not like. The problem is that you’ve already cast them out into your unconscious shadow. It’s now time to gracefully bring them back into your conscious awareness in a loving way.
The fruit of shadow work
Any deep wounds we have on the inside are going to manifest on the outside.
Likewise, any deep healing we experience on the inside is going to manifest on the outside.
Deep healing leads to spiritual transformation. Shadow work bears its own spiritual fruit.
Here’s what that spiritual fruit can look like.
A sense of authenticity: As you work on lovingly integrating your shadow, you become more in touch with who you really are. Sure, you’re still going to need to wear masks around others as appropriate, but you will be able to operate more fully from self-awareness and bring your best self to the table more regularly.
A sense of inner peace: Your ego and shadow are constantly struggling with each other. As you integrate your shadow—as you bring it into a loving relationship with your ego—that inner struggle gives way to inner peace. You’re coming to terms with what it means to be you as a human being.
Compassion for yourself: You’re learning to love yourself just as you are. You’re learning what it means to offer and experience grace as you accept yourself without exception. You can finally stop measuring your worth by some normalized standard for quality.
Emotional maturity: You are less likely to be triggered emotionally. You can find the ability within yourself to listen to what others are saying to you without unnecessarily feeling threatened. You are able to connect with others emotionally without being consumed by their emotions.
More love for others: As you learn to love yourself in your humanity, it empowers you to identify with others in their humanity. When they act out of their triggered emotions, you know what that’s like, and you are able to respond from compassion rather than self-preservation. You will notice how your behavior affects others and adjust accordingly. When others struggle, you will “get” them and feel more motivated to help. You will stop seeing others as separate entities and start seeing them as extensions of your own humanity.
Resilience and grit: Because you are not as triggered by your emotions, you will weather the storms of life with greater ease. Having faced your own inner darkness, you will not be not as thrown when you encounter the darkness of others.
Spiritual depth: By learning to love ourselves and others, we are learning how to love God. After all, the way we love God is through ourselves and others. As you become more aware of the divine patterns in yourself, you will become more sensitive to them all around you. This opens the door to participating in them freely and becoming an embodiment of grace for a world in need.
If you're interested in trying shadow work, here’s a guided visualization exercise you can participate in when you have about a half hour to yourself. I don’t know if it’s something you will resonate with, but this particular video has helped me with my own inner healing process.
Other spiritual disciplines
I consider shadow work to be nothing less than a spiritual discipline. I consider the psychological healing that it brings to be nothing less than spiritual healing.
But shadow work isn't the only spiritual discipline out there that can facilitate spiritual healing. Here are some others you might be interested in pursuing if shadow work isn't for you or if you just want to expand your horizons.
Centering prayer or meditation: Learning how to let go of thoughts and concerns rather than clinging to them is important for spiritual development. You’re allowing the ego to let its guard down. You’re allowing yourself to become aware of what’s happening inside of you. You’re learning to accept you as you are.
Journaling: Self-reflection in any form is great for inner healing and spiritual growth. It's not uncommon for us to get an idea of what we’re all about and think we have clarity. When you journal, you will discover how little clarity you have because it pushes you to articulate where you’re at. This helps bring the honest clarity you need.
My personal favorite approach to journaling is from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. It’s called “morning pages”. It’s a form of stream of consciousness writing. Set a timer for 20 minutes and just start writing. Write whatever you think. Don’t stop writing until the 20 minutes are up. You might be surprised at what comes out of you.
If you want a guided journaling experience, consider my 49-Day Spiritual Growth Journal. It will walk you through my Multi-Dimensional Spiritual Growth Framework through seven weeks.
Focusing: We often forget that our bodies are part of our spirituality. The practice of “focusing” is a way to enter into conversation with your body to tap into its wisdom and insights. I discovered this through Anne Weiser Cornell’s The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing. In short, you discover where you hold tension in your body, and then you enter into dialogue with it. I highly recommend it.
Mandalas: This one’s for the visual types. You’ll need pen and paper. Settle in and place the point of your pen on the center of the paper. Close your eyes. Wait for movement in the darkness. As you see the movement, track it with the pen on the paper (eyes remain closed). When the movement stops, pause with your pen in place. Continue as you see movement. After about 5 minutes, see what you’ve drawn. It will be a mess.
Now, ask yourself, “What images stand out to me?” Take colored pencils (if desired) and outline the images you see. Now, ask, “Why these images? What is the message in this for me?”
Here is a before-and-after example of how your mandala might develop.
I would like you to notice about each of those spiritual exercises. All of them are ultimately about paying attention to what is going on inside you. They are all about coming to terms with your humanity in one way or another. They are all disciplines that facilitate inner healing.
“As within, so without”
A popular saying among spiritual alchemists is “as within, so without”. This ancient idea believes that our outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. So, if you want to bring change to your outer world, you must bring change to your inner world.
I wholeheartedly agree.
If you want to bring healing to the outer world, you must first bring healing to your inner world.
If you want to become an agent of Grace in the world, you must first experience and embrace Grace within yourself.
If you want to become a herald of reconciliation in society, you must first experience reconciliation with yourself.
If you want to truly learn how to love others, you must first learn how to love yourself.
There are so many ways to express this truth. And I want to emphasize something that could easily be missed…
Inasmuch as inner transformation happens, outer transformation cannot help but happen.
Inasmuch as you learn to love yourself, you will start to love others.
Inismuch as you experience and embrace Grace for yourself, you will become Grace for others.
Can you see it?
If not, just look again at the list of spiritual fruit that comes from shadow work above. Imagine what society might become if everyone were to embrace deep inner healing and start to personally transform in that way.
I believe this is the key to understanding the Christian Testament writers and how they understood the relationship between faith and works.
This ancient idea of “as within, so without” is what James is evoking when he says, “So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead.” (James 2:16, NRSVUE) External behavioral transformation naturally flows from inner spiritual transformation…inasmuch as there is an inner spiritual transformation to start with.
This is also the idea Paul is evoking when he says, “Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2, NRSVUE) He’s leaning into the Stoic understanding of the conscience here. Developing the conscience is holy work, for the conscience is the Law of God written upon our hearts. As one’s conscience develops, one’s concerns and behaviors naturally change accordingly.
Theologically, the term for this dynamic of inner healing and transformation is “sanctification”. Another way of thinking about it would be the “evolution of consciousness”. When the way you see the world changes, the way you function in the world changes.
Enjoy 20% off Annual Subscriptions through April 11th!
If you listen to me talk over time, you’ll hear me say again and again: Christianity is an incarnation religion.
I believe that our primary goal is to engage in deep personal inner healing and transformation through spiritual disciplines. As we embrace personal transformation, it will affect our lives and our relationships. Indeed, it’s common for spiritual transformation to become contagious. And when it does, true social transformation begins.
Deep personal inner healing is the catalyst for deep social healing.
And, it is this social healing I want to talk about next week. I hope you will join me.
Peace, Bo
www.evolvingchristianfaith.net
PS: If you found this article valuable, please hit the "like" button and restack it. The more likes and restacks I have, the more likely others are to discover and benefit from it.
PPS: If you are wondering how you can work with me, all the options are right here.
Do you find inspiration in these newsletters but don’t want to commit to a paid membership? Consider the option to…
Seeking Deeper Meaning in Life?
If you want to work through a process of intentional spiritual growth so you can become who you were truly meant to be, check out my 49-Day Spiritual Growth Journal.
Credits
Thanks to DALL-E for the cover art
Amazon Affiliate
I am an Amazon Affiliate and use affiliate links in my articles. That means I may get a small kickback if you decide to purchase something after going through one of my links. Shopping on Amazon through my links is a great way for you to support my work and mission, and it doesn’t cost you anything extra.