Becoming Your Best Self
While Being Truthful with Others
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Who are you?
Really?
It sounds like it's an easy question to answer on the surface, but then when we try, it becomes a lot more complicated.
On the one hand, you are the product of genetics. You have inherited certain characteristics that strongly contribute to who you are right now. I'm not just talking about hair color or eye color. I'm also talking about things like personality traits, sexual orientation, and health characteristics, for example.
On the other hand, you live in a complex society with various levels of belonging. You are strongly influenced by your family, immediate social networks, local culture, and even the media you consume. Those populating these spaces become role models for your own personal and social development.
"Who Am I?" is a complex question because you are a complex person.
The experience of lack
Have you ever thought, "I wish I weren't this way" or "I wish I didn't do this kind of stuff."
I think we all have at some point. It's an expression of our own sense of lack.
We all want to be better people. We all want to be more than we already are. We long for a sense of fulfillment in just being ourselves.
Esther De Waal, in The Celtic Way of Prayer, talks about the spiritual journey as seeking to be “grounded in the reality of being at home in one’s self and in the world around”.
This quest to become more than we already are and find our home in this world is part of the common human journey, a common human calling.
A vision of personal possibility
Since every journey has a destination, maybe the real question to ask is, "Who specifically are you called to become?"
Or maybe, “Who are you truly meant to be?”
There are many ways to talk about this higher potential that resides within you. You may have heard people talk about your…
True Self
Highest Self
Ideal Self
Transcendental Self
Divine Self
Destiny
For what it’s worth, you’ll probably notice that I shift my language to talk about it depending on what seems best at the moment.
Most commonly, however, I talk about the True Self or your Destiny. I've learned the language of the True Self from contemplatives, such as Thomas Keating. And (if I recall correctly), I picked up the theological concept of Destiny from Langdon Gilkey.
It doesn’t really matter what language you choose to use. You could call it your “Banana Self” if you really want to. The language is really just a symbol to help you visualize your own personal possibility as a human being. If it does that, then it works.
When you anchor your own personal becoming in that vision of possibility, you open the door to living a life of authenticity and integrity.
Authenticity & Integrity
I’m sure there are many ways to interpret those words. I expect some people may see the two words as pointing to the same thing. Maybe you are one of them. If so, that’s fine. Nothing wrong with that at all.
I personally see them as two different things. Yes, they are highly related, but I think their difference is worth noting.
Living with authenticity
When I talk about authenticity, I'm talking about personal alignment with your True Self (or Banana Self). Or, to put it another way, it's about your relationship with yourself.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance are the keys to authenticity.
That means you have to ask certain questions about who you are right now in order to understand who you can become as you grow.
Become aware of the light
Within you resides brilliance. Know where you shine the brightest.
When you look at yourself in the proverbial mirror, what parts of you are you proud of?
Maybe personality traits. Do you think of yourself as…?
Patient
Kind
Grateful
Open
Curious
Dependable
Helpful
I'm sure you have many characteristics you can appreciate.
What about a personal sense of gifting? Are you…?
Knowledgeable
Skilled
Wealthy
Influential
Again, I'm sure you have a lot to work with.
This isn’t the time to be faux-humble. Being aware of your strengths is important to fulfilling your potential.
Become aware of the dark
This is where things get difficult. It's pretty easy to accept the good things about ourselves. They make us feel good.
But, you also have to face your darker side. And, that does not make us feel so good.
Generally speaking, I think your darker side primarily results from a couple of things.
You have to deal with the growth and development process which requires you to slowly emerge over time. In other words, you start with a baby brain and it takes many years for it to develop into an adult brain.
Second, you accumulate wounds through the years and carry them around like baggage that influences everything you do.
I like to think of the first as primarily generating your "ego", and the second your "shadow".
I won't get into the ego and shadow too much today. Suffice it to say that they are the primary barriers within yourself that prevent you from living authentically.
If living into your True Self is what you desire, becoming aware of your ego and your shadow and how they influence you is vital for your journey.
Living with integrity
If living authentically is about having a high-quality relationship with your True Self, living with integrity is about having high-quality relationships with others.
For me, the key to integrity is “integration”. Your goal is to integrate your personal authenticity into your social life. Because every other human being is a variable, that makes living with integrity a lot harder than living authentically.
One element of integrated living is to embody your values (or beliefs, or principles, etc.) around others. There are times this is easy, such as when you are around people like yourself. And there are other times when it is very difficult, such as when you're around people who embody opposing values.
Embodying values is about holding yourself accountable to a higher personal standard of living. In most cases, it’s not that hard. But there will be times when standing for certain values comes with a price.
Another element of integrity is being wise about your self-revelation to others. I remember a couple of friends in seminary telling me, "Bo, you have to learn how to pick your battles." They were right.
Just because you believe something or stand for something, it doesn't mean you have to turn every encounter into a challenge. When someone says something that offends you, you don’t have to correct them every single time. Sure, there are times when it’s important to do that. But, there are also other times when it would be wise not to.
When we live with integrity, we respect others as individuals. Expect others to uphold their own values just as you do yours. You don't have to like their views or even respect their views, but it's important to respect them in their humanity, for it is the same humanity that you share with them.
Respect their feelings. Expressing your authentic self does not have to be at the expense of another. Find ways to communicate that don't hurt others or damage your relationships. Don’t allow your own claim to authenticity to become an excuse for bullying.
Respect their boundaries. If you know someone is uncomfortable with something, it doesn't matter whether it's self-expressive or not, don't do it.
When you live with integrity, it has a powerful effect on others. Perhaps the greatest side effects are that you become predictable and safe to those around you.
Sure, there will be those who don't like you and shy away from you, and that's okay. But those who do resonate with your self-expression will know what they're getting when they see you, feel comfortable around you, and come to trust you more.
Here’s a pragmatic piece of advice related to that:
If you want to make a difference in this world, trust is the key.
It is through the power of trust that you will be able to move hearts and minds, and from there affect behaviors.
Here’s another pragmatic piece of advice:
If you seek to live authentically but ignore integrity, you are more likely to set your own personal causes back rather than to advance them.
The task of alignment
Living with authenticity and integrity is a balancing act. Yes, you do indeed want to know deeply who you are and become who you were truly meant to be. But part of who you are meant to be is a person in relationship with others.
Becoming your best self isn't about achieving some abstract, ideal state of being.
It's really about manifesting your True Self in the here and now in a life-giving way.
This balancing act is difficult because sometimes when we're respecting others, we feel like we are suppressing ourselves.
But here's a thought that may help you as you struggle with this…
Not everybody is ready to experience your True Self in all its glory.
Only reveal what they are ready for, and over time as the relationship grows you will be able to reveal more and more.
Meanwhile, work toward discerning who your True Self actually is. While others might not be ready to experience your True Self in all its glory, truth be told…
You probably aren't either.
Before you can truly be ready, you first have to deal with two forces inside yourself that prevent your True Self from emerging. They are…
Your ego and your shadow
I'll talk about these next week.
Peace, Bo
www.evolvingchristianfaith.net
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